Growing pains

I sometimes feel like these lingers of anger and things that maybe I should have said, it’s like a part of my soul. My fire wants to fight for justice, fight for what’s unfair, fight for being seen in its true light, but the truth is the light is too blinding when it’s pure. It’s too bright when the fire has become a Sun, and not everyone can look directly at the sun. Most people need filters/sunglasses. In fact, no one can look directly at the Sun. Maybe the difference is more in the color/ density of the filter rather than the ability of the person or the properties of the Sun itself.

I have been a people pleaser most of my life. I have dimmed my light so many times to avoid conflict, so others didn’t need to adjust these filters, I’ve adjusted my light. My lessons this year were about embodying this light and everything that comes with it: the solar flares, the heat, the power, the warmth, and the light. I was warned this wasn’t going to be to everyone’s liking, but I now understand it through experience too.

It is sad when things end. It is sad when a tree that was so central in your garden, that you have watered and trimmed for so many years, gets pulled from the roots. It is sad that we don’t get to keep all that we love when your life, your garden, starts having a plan of its own because you have surrendered so deeply to the universe’s plans for you.

Trusting the elements not only means talking to them to help me when I know I need them; it also means trusting that they know when they know I need them. And the Sun has been burning off the leaves of this tree for some time now, and my eyes refused to see it, my own filters were too dark I see now. This was no longer the right environment for the tree, and the tree wasn’t going to survive in this garden.

I wish it a great life wherever it goes. I wish it growth and expansion and blooming — so much blooming — in whatever form it chooses to bloom. And for myself, I now have so much space and so much water available in this garden, and this makes me excited for new beginnings, for new seedlings, for new love.

Space is a commodity these days in a world ruled by external stimulus and material things. Space for yourself, for new starts, is a blessing.

This whole year for me has been about this garden, this garden that has come to earn the name Blooms and Moons. Seasonal growing seedlings and flowers, fed on water to find strength in themselves to Bloom. The Moons shows us the cycles, the seasonal nature of sowing, growing, and blooming. And now I am learning the need for growth rotation too, it seems.

This ecosystem is not just my work; it seems to be becoming my life — a living and breathing environment, a garden with a plan of its own. And my role… my role — I’m just a carer. I listen to what nature has to say, to what she needs, to her lessons, to the mix of elements she asks from me at any time, to protect her truth. And what I have come to understand is that always, always, she will ask for my sun to shine bright, because where we are going, everyone’s stars shine at their brightest. Everyone’s stars are on full blast. And that’s my truth.